Why I Do Not Use the CSAT Model: Destroys Intimacy and Trust
As a psychotherapist, I have chosen not to use the Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) model in my practice due to several significant objections. I understand the pain and betrayal spouses feel when infidelity occurs, and my foremost priority is to protect them from ever experiencing such heartache again. My approach focuses on building up trust, but it is crucial to remember that trust must be earned through consistent, genuine efforts by the unfaithful partner. With this commitment, I aim to foster an environment where true healing, accountability, and intimacy can flourish.
Infidelity is a devastating breach of trust within a marital relationship, creating deep wounds that affect both partners and the fabric of the family unit. When faced with such betrayal, couples often seek the guidance of professionals to navigate the tumultuous journey of healing and restoration. One common approach is the Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) model, which treats infidelity through the lens of sexual addiction. While this method has its merits, it also presents significant challenges, particularly when viewed through a Christian framework. In this article, we will explore these problems and highlight how a Christian-based approach, combined with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), can foster accountability, trust, and intimacy in a more holistic manner.
Understanding the CSAT Approach
The CSAT approach, developed by Dr. Patrick Carnes, is grounded in the belief that infidelity is often a symptom of an underlying sexual addiction. This model involves a structured treatment program designed to address the compulsive behaviors and psychological factors driving the addiction.
Problems with the CSAT Approach
Pathologizing Infidelity
One of the primary issues with the CSAT model is its tendency to pathologize infidelity by categorizing it as a disease. This medicalization of unfaithfulness can obscure personal responsibility. While addiction can play a role in compulsive sexual behaviors, most acts of infidelity do not stem from addiction in any medical context. By framing infidelity predominantly as a disease, the CSAT approach risks diminishing the moral and relational aspects of the betrayal.
Discouraging Intimacy
The CSAT approach relies heavily on the traditional Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step model, which includes the belief that "once an addict, always an addict." This perspective implies that the unfaithful partner is perpetually at risk of relapsing into infidelity. Such a stance can be detrimental to rebuilding intimacy, as it fosters a sense of perpetual vulnerability and mistrust. The notion that the cheater is fundamentally flawed and will never fully recover undermines the possibility of genuine healing and restoration of the relationship. Why would any spouse ever trust again if they have a permanent flaw in their most basic aspects of relationships? There is no hope.
Promoting Shame and Stigma
While the CSAT model verbally states that the cheater should not feel shame, its underlying messages can imply otherwise. By suggesting that the cheater is inherently flawed and will always struggle with these issues, the model inadvertently fosters a sense of shame. This perpetual stigma can hinder the cheater's ability to move forward and create an environment where true intimacy cannot flourish. The betrayed spouse primarily wants to know they are good enough to be loved by the cheating spouse. However, the spouse who cheated also wants to be good enough and feels they have lost that by their mistakes. There needs to be hope for them as well.
All Addictions Are Not Equal
The CSAT model is based upon the traditional Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step model (AA). While there are some good aspects of the 12 step model, which are also incorporated in a CBT/Christian model, sexual addictions should be in a completely different category. As also in food addictions, one cannot truly become biologically addicted to a normal, natural biological need, like sex. If a person is a full alcoholic, to where dependence has set in, they will forever have this addiction and indeed will forever have a problem with alcohol. “Once an addict, always an addict.” This is not the same thing for people who have cheated. While some cheaters can do so compulsively, this can be overcome permanently. However, most cheaters are not doing so compulsively, but instead made a bad decision and already regret it deeply and will likely never come close to cheating again.
Neglecting the Betrayed Partner
The CSAT model focuses heavily on the individual with the addiction, potentially sidelining the needs and healing process of the betrayed partner. The spouse's pain, trauma, and need for support can be overlooked, leading to feelings of isolation and neglect. In a Christian marriage, both partners are integral to the healing process, and their journey towards forgiveness and reconciliation must be nurtured equally. In many cases, the betrayed spouse may also have a contributing part to play in the root issues of the marriage that underlie many relational issues (This will never excuse the cheating, of course!).
Not Necessarily Christian Based
The 12-step program used by CSATs was originally a Christian based concept. The ideas of confession, restitution, restoration, and forgiveness are Bible based. However, the more modern interpretations of the 12 step program varies significantly. The term “Higher Power” should be used exclusively for God, not some random outside of self, like… a chair.
Integrating Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) naturally is Biblical in nature. In many places the Bible tells us that it is how we choose to think about things that directs our paths. “As a man thinks, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7). A CBT basic concept is that we can choose how we think, and it is these thoughts that direct our emotional state and our behaviors.
Understanding Underlying Reasons for Cheating
CBT helps the unfaithful partner understand the underlying reasons for their behavior. By exploring what was appealing about the cheating, individuals can identify the thoughts and emotions that led them astray. We have to understand the root issues of our selfish desires, so that we do not fall for them again. This self-awareness is crucial for preventing future infidelity and fostering lasting change.
Addressing the Core Problem of all Sin
Christian CBT should address the primary core reason for the cheating, which is also the underlying reason behind all of our sin: Pride. Pride is not arrogance, but is more fully seen as a desire to do it the way we want. We think we know better than God about what is best for us; what will make us the most happiest. Christian CBT most uncover those thought patterns than lead to cheating and not fully loving God and your spouse first before oneself.
Addresses Self-Worth Issues
Understanding the cognitive thoughts and beliefs around our insecurities and self-esteem issues is a critical component, for both spouses. It is low self-esteem, or put another way, our feat that we are not good enough to be loved, and the inappropriate attempts to fill those needs, that often lead spouses astray.
It is also the primary issue with the betrayed spouse. Underlying core thoughts of not being good enough are always going to be present and will have to be understood by both parties in order to move forward.
Focus on the Marriage as a Whole
It has often been said that the affair is just the symptom. The marriage is the root issue. There are often underlying problems in the marriage that significantly contributed to the affair.
These problems may mean that the non cheating spouse plays a role in the problems of the marriage, even being possible that that spouse is the primary problem. However, it is still very clear that nothing justifies cheating!
Practical Steps for Change
CBT provides practical tools and strategies for change, such as setting realistic goals, developing problem-solving skills, and practicing self-control. These techniques empower individuals to take responsibility for their actions and make positive changes in their lives.
Practical Steps for a Christian-Based Healing Process
1. Seeking Professional Help with a Christian Counselor
While a Christian approach integrates spiritual principles, it also recognizes the value of professional counseling. Seeking help from a Christian Psychologist, ideally one with doctoral level training and experience, ensures that the therapeutic process is aligned with Biblical values. Such psychologists can provide a safe space for both partners to express their feelings and work towards healing.
2. Engaging in Individual and Couples Therapy
Both individual and couple’s therapy are vital. Individual therapy is needed for both partners. Therapy allows the unfaithful partner to address personal issues contributing to the infidelity, while the betrayed partner can process their pain and trauma. There are many issues to address involved in forgiveness and reestablishing trust, beyond the scope of this article. Couples therapy focuses on rebuilding the relationship, improving communication, and restoring intimacy.
3. Involvement in a Faith Community
Healing from infidelity is not a journey that should be undertaken alone. Involvement in a faith community provides essential support, accountability, and encouragement. Churches often have marriage ministries or support groups where couples can share their experiences and find solace in the collective wisdom and prayer of the community. Just beware of support groups designed upon the addiction model.
Conclusion
Infidelity is a complex and painful issue that requires a multifaceted approach to healing. While the CSAT model offers valuable insights into the role of addiction in infidelity, it falls short in addressing the spiritual and relational dimensions essential for true reconciliation. A Christian-based approach, grounded in the principles of confession, repentance, forgiveness, and grace, provides a more holistic path to healing.
By integrating professional counseling with spiritual practices and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, couples can navigate the difficult journey towards restoration. This approach not only holds the unfaithful partner accountable but also fosters the rebuilding of trust and intimacy, reflecting the redemptive power of God's love and grace. Through transparent communication, mutual support, and reliance on God's guidance, couples can emerge from the shadow
